I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
