You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
