so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
