i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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