this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
