oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
