The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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