I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize