he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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