Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
it's like iHOP with fire
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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