Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
