I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
