i need an iv and a liver transplant
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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