i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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