Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
