Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Is Oprah even human
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
