Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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