i already hear my dad disowning me
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
