I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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