I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
