cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
