was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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