in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize