I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize