I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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