im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
