our cab driver is having phone sex.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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