he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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