Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
