I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize