this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
