im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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