Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
