i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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