We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize