i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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