Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
