Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
