thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
