Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
