I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
