She is in my trunk
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
