the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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