How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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