Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
