Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When are your genitals available?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
