Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize