hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
