broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
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