shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
