i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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