They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
