ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
