Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
