dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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