You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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