the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
