I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
