In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
