when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
